Inappropriate Halloween costumes for work.

Elvira
Anything that could be called ninja unless you are a chick.
A member of the Blue Man Group.
Cross dressing, fun as it may be.
A gay musician unless you live a in a very hick town.
Kids cartoon characters.
Now this is just stupid.
Mud wrestlers.
Togas.

Things I did at work today…

- Practiced the 5 C’s of effective management: Contempt, Criticism, Corruptness, Cruelty, and self-Centeredness.
- Alwayslate played 10 minutes of a Jeff Foxworthy video that someone emailed to her. She thought it was so great, that she just had to send it to me. Speakers should be outlawed at work.
- Wrote a letter to my state senator asking him to propose a new law that would let me drive 95 miles per hour on any highway I want.
- Wondered why, when people are on speakerphone, they think they have to yell into the phone.
- Tried to figure out why the Arby’s Oven Mitt is so lame.
- Didn’t win an XBox.
- Sneaked onto Wannabe Bimbo’s computer and changed the MS Word autocorrect settings, so whenever she types in “the” it changes to “my awesome”
- Got a document from her that said, “If you look at my awesome reports, you will see that my awesome calculations show an actual decline in my awesome number of behavioral issues this month.”

People that I work with.

This has been a long time coming. Yes, it is very long, but it’s worth reading.

Alwayslate - This coworker of mine is very good at not doing anything. Alwayslate has basically the same job description that I do. She thinks that there are some tasks that only I should do and she protects her easier or more enjoyable tasks. Alwayslate is habitually late. She likes to come to work between 10 and 12. I think that she just likes to stay after everybody else leaves, because then she really doesn't have to do anything. Alwayslate is part of a knitting and sewing group. She spends much of her day chatting on the phone with her knitting friends about the latest project they are working on. She is good at making molehills into mountains. Alwayslate is 48 years old.

Hiding-behind-laughter guy - This guy is always joking around. He likes to whistle, shout things out and makes up puns often. Hiding-behind-laughter guy is okay to work with, but his constant chipperness can get quite annoying. The reason he is called Hiding-behind-laughter guy is because I think his life goal is to make everyone think that he is happy all the time. Hiding-behind-laughter guy is 36 years old.

Nosy Church Lady - I knew Nosy Church Lady before I started working in this department. We go to the same church. Nosy Church Lady is a gossip freak. She loves to feel good about herself and loves to talk about others, especially how dumb she thinks they are. Nosy Church Lady is not someone that I suggest anybody trust. Now, I am not going to judge what someone believes, but Nosy Church Lady thinks that she is a step above the rest because she is part of the women’s group at church, and she makes this fact known often. At work, she gladly accepts the "Best Resource" designation but complains when people ask for her help. Nosy Church Lady is 62 years old.

Boss Pawn - Boss Pawn is my dim-witted boss that lets her subordinates take advantage of her, if they want to. Alwayslate definitely takes advantage of Boss Pawn. She always claims to be "so busy" and never have time to do anything. Boss Pawn, instead of realizing the truth, that she is lazy, passes her work off to other people and pretends that she is busy, believes Alwayslate and gives her great praise for being so dedicated. Boss Pawn acts as if she doesn’t have much managerial experience. Boss Pawn is about 45 years old.

Wannabe Bimbo – With her gray hair died blonde and matching ignorance to intelligence of any kind, you could easily describe Wannabe Bimbo as a "Typical Blonde." As about a 1 year member of the department, she is still struggling to learn her job. Often, she gives out false information to customers because she just makes things up, in order to not appear that she doesn’t know what she is doing. Other people I work with really like to talk about Wannabe Bimbo behind her back. I don’t participate in the Wannabe Bimbo bitch sessions however, even though I tend to agree with them. Wannabe Bimbo is about 50 years old.

LookingBusy – Were do I fit in? Well, I show up everyday, but I don’t have any motivation. I don’t particularly think that my job is very important or that my job is required for the business to exist. I answer about 4-5 calls per day, send some information out to customers, receive some information back from customers and forward some information on to other departments. I would say this whole process usually takes me about an hour and a half everyday to do. The rest of the day, I just try my best to look busy and please Boss Pawn. LookingBusy is 24 years old.

Things I did at work today...

- The network went out for an hour today. Everybody sat around chatting, but since I don't like them, I looked like the busiest guy in the office because I was at my desk.

- Hustled everyone with a Mt Dew for their cap. I wanna win an XBox.

- Successfully blamed a coworker who was not here today for something that nobody even needed to be blamed for.

- No fair! Remember the project that my alwayslate coworker was working on? The one that took her 3 1/2 weeks, but only should have taken 3 days. Well, her and a bunch of her "buddies" that "helped" her on the project are going to be taken out to lunch at a very nice restaurant, and I am not invited. Ooohh I feel like a rant... grrrrrrrrrr..

- Alwayslate was late again - I am considering putting a sign on the outside of my cube that says "Can you believe that this idiot actually shows up to work on time? -Alwayslate."


Ok, a couple of these are a little funny. I didn't do anything else today, did you?

This article is perfect!

I think I already have figured it out, but in case you need any pointers...
http://www.softwarereality.com/cthulhu/busy.jsp

So glad coworker is on vacation.

We had a new employee at a different location here earlier this week, so he could get some training. New employee is a sales rep, coworker and I are sales support. In different location where new employee works, there is one sales support person and he is the only sales rep.

This is what I heard coworker say to new employee.

"The sales rep who was there before you just did things his way and never told his sales support person, so she doesn't really know what she's doing."

Well, I thought, this would be a perfect opportunity to say something funny and true. I said, "Yeah, I know what that's like!"

Coworker is in the next cube over, but as soon as I said that she was over to my cube so fast I thought Old Country Buffet was having a free dinner promotion to anybody over 3 bills.

"What!?!? What are you talking about?" she said. "Blah blah blaahahhaha...." I really wasn't listening anymore, because I don't care.

In the end, she just thought that I was joking with her. I guess criticizing her (lack of) training ability is a no-no.

Good things that happend to me today...

- My bosses are not at work today or tomorrow.

- My coworkers are not at work today or tomorrow.

..... well that's about it. I have 4 hours to go.

Stupid List #1

This is the first time I've ever done one of these lists. I loaned it from Fuad's site, but I've seen it elsewhere.

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?
I don't try because I don't have to.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?
Have you seen them? If you do, let me know.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?
Yes, very much. I like stalkers. I think I should hold a stalker convention. You're all invited.

4. Do you lie in your blog?
Never! Read my posts, why would I lie about that stuff?

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?
Yes, I pass on agression.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?
I haven't yet, but if I don't have 15 comments on this post, I'm not posting for a week!

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?
No, No, Yes.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?
No only spam. I actually like the mean comments. If I left a nice comment on your blog, chances are good that it is fake.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog?
I am at work for crying out loud.

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?
They would probably like me more, but I would like them less.

11. Do you have a job?
Obviously.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?
This is probably the stupidest question in the world. Wait here's a stupider one.. "If someone offered you a decent salary to sit on your ass......."

13. Which bloggers do you want to meet in real life?
All of them, I want to throw a huge blogger party! Except for that monkey dude. He is a fruit.

14. Which bloggers have you made out with? (a)In real life? (b)In fantasy?
A) I wont name names, but you know who you are. B) Why fantasise when you can have the real thing?

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?
Since I don't have any money, I must act like I have more. (Logic 101)

16. Does your family read your blog?
My wife sometimes, she tells me she doesn't like all the women making comments on my blog.

17. How old is your blog?
Old enough to drink.

18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?
Yes, I get about 6500 page views per day. Yes, I am working my way up to a million.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
Yes, it is called Quesidillas for Breakfast.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?
Yes, but the check didn't clear.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?
I don't report any money I earn.

22. Is blogging narcissistic?
Heck yes!

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?
I've never tried it.

24. Do you like John Mayer?
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

25. Do you have enemies?
I pretty much don't like people, but they like me.

26. Are you lonely?
I miss my wife, why do I have to sit at this job all day...

27. Why bother?
Well, that is a good question. I would say mostly because if you don't, the NBA or NASA will put crabby powder in your Pepsi in an effort to make you look more appealing to the apple and banana pickers of the world.

------------
End of quiz. Now you know some useless facts, get off my back.

Lies I told today...

- Mmmm... There is no way to make cake better than by adding carrots to it!

- No, coworker, I don't mind if you come in 3 hours late. I'll even be glad to do all your work for you too.

- My Porsche needs a new head gasket and a new set of rubbers. 2400 bucks... I guess it'll be Country Fried Steak instead of Filet Mignon for a couple weeks, huh. (Insert pompous, snickering laugh here.)

- Where I live, we don't have garbage men, they are sanitation engineers. Cashiers are called incoming finance analysts, truck drivers are called goods delivery specialists and golf cart drink girls are called beer sluts.

- Possibly the best movie of all time is Fargo for its perfectly accurate portrail of Minnesota.

- Blog? What's that? Never heard of it. (Said to Coworker when she asked if I have a blog.)

Lies I told today...

- The Reading Rainbow is a great show, but don't take my word for it.

- I am not taking no for an answer.

- I see the Juice on my golf course on Thursday afternoons usually twice a month.

- Casual Friday is still funny and everybody should link to it.

- What are you talking about? We should all aspire to be the best workers ever!

- Drew Carey is possibly the funniest man alive.

- I am almost as funny as Drew Carey.

Lies I told today...

- I am a PHD. (Not completely a lie..... Pretty Hot Dude)

- The first thing I do every morning is swim across the lake and back, and usually I can catch a fish or two in my hands for breakfast.

- I know several Canadians that have an IQ over 100 and can speak coherent English.

- You're not rich until you have 19 bank accounts.

- My coworkers are all pleasant, fun and smell nice.

- My car CAN out run 41 cop cars.

- My deer hunting tree stand is 65 feet in the air.

- I eat lima beans with every meal because they are so good for you.

I hate jerks

Who else hates jerks?